The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
