mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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