Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
