If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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