when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
