so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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