im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
