I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
