i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
