im drinking this country out of the recession.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize