Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
