dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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