i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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