i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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