I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
