Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
