Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
