I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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