we have officially lost it.
i permit you to call me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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