I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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