pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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