if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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