Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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