I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
