i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
