If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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