just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
