I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
