I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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