he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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