I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Randomize
