I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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