Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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