Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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