I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
