im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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