whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
