I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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