Betty ford says i'm here all night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
