just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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