Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
