omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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