I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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