i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fuck appropriateness.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
