Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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