I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
