I think im going to throw up on grandma
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
