Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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