i wish my penis had a tongue
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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