At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize