when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
