Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize