I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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