guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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