Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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