do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
