he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
