My liver just broke up with me...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
