I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
