So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
