i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
