I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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