her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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