I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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