Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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