To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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