I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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