dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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