You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
